Anita's Song
by Josi Hamilton
Summary: Tom's Grief....


You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day 

Tom walked across the cemetery, until he reached her grave, freshly laid the day before. He placed the single red rose by the headstone, the scarlet of the flower the same colour as her shoes.

_  
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way_

Lying there in that hospital bed, she had known, he was convinced of it. She's always been so sure of things. Or she had always been so sure of things anyway. He still couldn't get it into her head that she was really gone forever. He blinked back the tears as he stared at her grave.

_  
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet_

"I'll walk with you every day Tom. I'll never leave your side." The last words she ever said to him. He hadn't even had a chance to reply before the machines started wailing. Renal failure. Every time he closed his eyes he could still vividly see the American doctors rushing Anita towards the operating theatre. It was the last time he ever saw her.

_  
You went to a better place but he stole you away from me_

Why her? Just as things were perfect. They were going to get married. Maybe even start a family. But then it had to happen, it seemed so sudden to them, but a clot like that must have been there for a while. Ever since they flew over, eight weeks previously. And they were doctors. They should have known better, they knew the risks. People had just dropped down dead from DVT, but for Anita it had been strung out and painful. And he hated the thought of her suffering.__

And now she lives in heaven, but I know they let her out to take care of me

Healthcare in America. Transport in America. It was supposed to be better than in England. So why when Anita had gone into renal failure had the kidneys not come in time? Why couldn't they have saved her? She was so special, she didn't deserve that. Why was it that every time he found someone they always slipped from his grasp?

_There's a strange kind of light caressing me tonight_

And he knew that she was watching over him. He knew she would keep true to her words, those last words; the words that played over and over in his head like a recorded message. "I'll walk with you every day Tom. I'll never leave your side." He spread his arms out to either side of him, trying to feel if she was there but he felt nothing, just the rush of the cold October air on his skin.

_  
Pray silence my fear she is near bringing heaven down here  
_

Standing there, by her grave, he felt a kind of warmth about him, a kind of shelter from the harshness of reality. He felt close to her even if she was his dearly departed now. The thought of his future without her seemed like an endless misery. He read the message "Anita Forbes – My guardian angel on earth and now my guardian angel in heaven, always my one true love, R.I.P." Tom felt the warm tears travel down his cold October cheeks, remembering the agonizing process of deciding what to put. There was so much that he had wanted to say but not enough room to say it.

_  
I miss your love I miss your touch_

Holding her in his arms at the airport, he had felt like the luckiest man alive. With her by his side, he was so proud, because to him, she was perfect. The way she smiled, the way she held her knife and fork, the way she pursed her lips when she drank her tea, the way she waved when she saw him, the way her fringe went frizzy in the rain, the way she'd turned up and totally changed his life. Everything about her was perfect, and he didn't understand why it had to be her. Why not him?

_  
But I'm feeling you every day_

For a while it had been perfect. Starting again together, thousands of miles away from home, just him and her, Tom and Anita. She had helped him through so much, alcoholism. He'd beaten it for her as much as himself, he wanted to prove to her that he could do it. On the day that she died the first thing he did when he left the hospital was walk into a bar.

_  
And I can almost hear you say, 'you've come a long way baby'_

He sat for a long time, just looking at that double malt whiskey in front of him. And he realised that he couldn't drink it. It would be like betraying her somehow. The memory of her would stop a drop of alcohol ever passing his lips again. "You've come a long way baby." He heard her say it inside his head, so real it almost seemed like she was standing beside him. And as he walked out of the bar, he knew she'd be proud.__

And now you live in heaven 

Even though she wasn't with him in body, she was still with him in soul. Surely he was allowed to console himself with that. But in a funny kind of way he felt like it was true.

_But I know they let you out to take care of me_

It was like she was watching over him. Anita Forbes. She'd been his guardian angel ever since the first time he'd laid eyes upon her. He had been so surprised to see a pretty woman when he'd been expecting an old balding middle aged man. It was a pleasant surprise.__

There's a strange kind of light In my bedroom tonight

When he was lying in bed at night, on her side of the bed, feeling the emptiness that replaced her, he knew she was there somehow. He couldn't see her, but he could feel her, there was her atmosphere in the room, that feeling of sanctuary that came with her perfume. The day after she died, he had bought bottles and bottles of the perfume she wore and sprayed it everywhere. It made him feel close to her. He had sprayed loads over the tan suede jacket she had bought him for his birthday. It reminded him of her._  
_

_Pray silence my fear she is near bringing heaven down here_

Sanctuary. Was that what she provided for him? A sanctuary from his alcoholism? Sanctuary from the judgement of others? Sanctuary from his own vanity; because for the first time in his life he had loved somebody else more than he loved himself. She was his one true love, and he knew that he would never love another again in the way that he loved her.__

The next time that we meet I will bow at her feet  


He knew one day he would see her again. He had always believed in heaven. He had always believed he was destined to go there. But now it seemed like he was destined to go through hell before he got there, reached her waiting arms again.

_  
And say wasn't life sweet  
_

But he knew he had to make a go of things, for the sake of her memory. He couldn't just mope for the rest of his life; he had to do something worthwhile. He could save peoples' lives, that was after all what he did for a living. He could give it his damndest, save lives in a way that the doctors hadn't been prepared to do for her. He could cut through all the red tape that prevented her from being still by his side. He'd do it all for her. That was when he made up his mind. He was going back to Holby.

_Then we'll prepare to take heaven down there_


End file.
